Dear Alicia and Jason,
You have been so kind to me and so generous with your appreciative words for Ida. Of
course, when you give me credit for anything about Ida I want to hasten to say that – as
you will see if you have more than one child – there is so much that they are born to be,
and so much of parenting is simply allowing that person to unfold. But by your comments
you have caused me to look retrospectively at the years when I was a young parent of
young girls and trying to figure out what to do with this huge gift/responsibility/challenge
of being a parent. Looking back this way, long after the days of young children but not
too long after, I realize that I actually do have some opinions about it all. I am going
to share them with you, because I trust that you will take them for what they are: one
person’s experience, based on one person’s perspective on the world. Thank goodness
there are lots of ways to parent well and to live well, else we would all be doomed. Also,
lest you get the impression from reading this that I am the world’s most amazing mother,
I need to tell you right off the bat that I did not do all of the things on this list. Some
of them I lived by, some I meant to live by but only rarely pulled off, and others I only
realized too late. Still, I believe in them all equally.
Promise me that, after reading this, you will never in all your years allow yourself the
thought: “Yikes, here comes Liz with all her parenting opinions! We might be doing
something that she disapproves of - HIDE!"
I’m serious about that promise. Here it is.
“I, the undersigned, understand that Liz believes that there are lots of good ways
to do things, and these are just some random thoughts from an average person. I
will not ever feel judged by her."
(Sign here)____________________________and _____________________________
OK. Now that that's settled, I'll begin…
Some thoughts on Parenting
1. Hold her. Snuggle her at every opportunity. Sing to her. Carry her everywhere
you possibly can.
2. Take her outside to see things. Go on walks, a lot. Not exercise walks (at
least, not all the time), but walks that are for stopping and seeing things, large
and small, of the natural and human world. Try walking in silence sometimes,
only pointing to what you see. Gather treasures, and use them to decorate
the house. Eventually, learn the names of some of the plants, birds, and
insects…Take these walks until you have allowed your lives to get so busy that
there’s no time for them, and then spend the next 20 years trying to reclaim that
time. Alternately, don’t let that happen.
3. Hide or throw away the TV before she is old enough to think of it as part
of everyday life. That would probably be about…now. I am shy to write this,
because it is so radical-sounding and sure there’s a ton of great stuff on the TV
and all, but I honestly can say that I have witnessed a difference between kids
who grew up with and without it. #1, they have a ton more time to explore the
world in and outside of their own minds. #2, you cannot protect children from
all of the negative influences of the TV – gender stereotyping, consumerism,
violence, and did I say consumerism? – even if you are totally vigilant. If watching
TV is normal to her, I guarantee you she will be watching it in places where
you are not there to help make good choices. If she goes to, for example,
grandma’s and the rule is “no TV”, then it’s not a problem that you and your
parents have different ideas about what’s appropriate for a child to watch. Plus,
if it’s understood that she doesn’t watch TV, then your parents will actually play
with her! And read to her! Believe me, breaking the shocking news to people that
she doesn’t watch TV is nothing compared to some of the other society-induced
challenges ahead.
(Eventually, we got a TV for watching videos. We watch about 6 each year,
and it is a very special event for us. We know that there are thousands of
great movies out there to watch, but we can't afford to even try to watch 1% of
them, lest we miss out an each other any more than we already do. Needless
to say, we choose our few videos vary carefully; we require a more detailed
recommendation than “It’s REALLY good!”)
4. You can start sitting with her and looking at books really soon. You know that,
I know. But I have a bone to pick with some of the reading industry here. They
try to sell us reading with the fear factor: fear that our kids won't be brilliant if
we don't follow a certain reading regimen. Defy their competition model! I say,
reading to our kids is not for the purpose of building a brilliant brain; it’s for
having a sweet time together that is about as simple, cozy, relaxing, and non-
consumptive as you could ever ask for. If one thought in terms of building brains,
one might read to her even when it didn’t feel good, or do it with an attitude that
frightened the child. Brain Building Bothers this Broad. Build love, understanding,
memories: something else works on the brains.
Anyway, you can start reading chapter books way earlier than I would have
imagined. By age 3 we were enjoying very simple chapter books – but of course
we never left behind all of the beautiful picture books. Buy a few of your favorites,
for surely they will go out of print, and you don’t want to miss the sweet look
in her eye when she is 10 or 15 and gazes again at those pictures that she
remembers so fondly. She is likely to declare, with a catch in her voice, that
those were beautiful days, "back when she was young", reading those books
together. And that she wants to read those same books to her child.
Someday, perhaps as late as age 9 or 12 but possibly as early as age 5, she will
learn to love to read herself. Don’t rush her, wise parent! Reading together is one
of the sweetest parts of your brief years together, and once she reads to herself
if is harder to find the time to read together. Though not impossible: Ida and I still
have morning snuggles and reading almost every morning of the week.
5. At all times, try not to burden her with that nasty feeling of hurrying that you
might be lugging around with you. I repeat. Do not hurry her. If you let her go her
natural child’s pace, wonders will blossom out of her imagination. Gems will fill
your home. You will have the honor of looking through the open windows of her
eyes into the amazing world of her-ness.
Sometimes you have to hurry, of course. But if you don’t watch out, you’ll be
always hurrying. So make it the rule not to, and then only break it when you must.
6. Don’t let your sweet and loving relatives overdo it with the toys. From the very
beginning, help steer them toward giving things that can be appreciated, and not
become burdens to you and to the ecosystem. They want to give the right gift, but
they may need help: be so brave and kind as to help them to spend their money
well. Offer them catalogs, and also ideas for non-things. We may think that kids
have a God-given need to open things wrapped in thin paper and a bow, but
really we create those children starting at age 1 or 2.
If all else fails, as it surely sometimes will, help her and yourselves by taking
regular trips to the Depot to make donations. Hurry, before she thinks it’s normal
to be surrounded by mountains of plastic.
“Oh no! Liz is knocking at the door! Hurry – stuff the plastic toys in the closet! NO!
Don’t open the closet – she’ll see the T.V!”
7. Keep snuggling. Keep reading. Keep singing. Keep meandering outside. Keep
slowing down.
8. Eventually you will be thinking of getting her together with other children.
Playgroups are nice, but try to keep them small and not overly frequent. It’s not
that I think children should be kept in isolation – not at all! Rather, by being a
part of your life they are often with people of all ages, and that is the very best. A
playgroup of 3- 4 kids that meets once a week will probably be plenty for you and
her both, for a while. Better yet, see if there can be an age range of at least 3-5
years, and things will go even better. And don’t try to get stuff done when those
kids are at your house, or you’ll end up angry. Instead, have the moms or dads
over at the same time, and that will be the best part of the whole day, assuming it
isn’t your little angel who slaps Sylvia on the face.
9. Speaking of getting things done, I hope that you can face reality about your
new-found and permanent loss of time in your new role as a parent sooner than
I did. It took me getting deathly ill before I began to believe it. Have you noticed
yet that the clock now moves faster? Have you told yourself the lie that it's just for
now while she's so young and new? Ah, yes. I remember.
10. Try to always say “yes” to her requests. This sounds ludicrous, I know! But I
stand behind it, and here’s why. If you don’t try to always say “yes”, you will find
yourself most often saying “no”. That’s because, from the perspective of the life
you used to have before children, almost everything she asks for is outrageous. .
A hassle. Utterly unreasonable. Paint? Now? I was just about to do the dishes!
Read? Now? I was just about to check email! Of course there are times when
you have to say no, for sanity or safety, but I submit that a parent should train
her/himself so that the automatic response is “yes” until proven too impractical.
Even then, think twice. You might end up having the time of your life if you just
let go of that straight line thinking you’ve been practicing so long and LIVE A
LITTLE!
One caveat: This practice only works if you keep no junk food in the house and
do not have a TV available.
11. Count on it that these slow, sometimes tedious and uneventful-seeming
days will be among the best days of your entire life. Including falling in love.
Count on it that, too soon, the whirling world that we live in will swoop into your
cozy home, taking you away from each other much too often. Count on it that,
living in Decorah, Iowa, the “educational opportunities” will be so numerous as
to overwhelm you. You’ll have to make some serious choices if you are to stay
sane. And that’s not even including the possibility of attending school – I have no
concept how families make time for that.
12. Speaking of education: my favorite book about home education, available
at the public library, is “The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook”, by
Raymond and Dorothy Moore. I mention it here because I am going to pass
along some of their advice. They say that a child’s “school” week should consist
of 3 parts. One-third should be helping around the house - stirring the batter,
raking, and more as they are ready - all of which she will love to do because it
is side-by-side with you, the most important people in her world, and it is clearly
important and useful work. One-third should be community service - visiting the
seniors, picking up trash, marching on Washington, stuff like that. Finally, one-
third should be “book work”, which the Moores define as anything like reading
together, drawing, doing Lego's…it changes over the years, of course. This last
category is what we proud graduates would call “school”, but the Moores urge us
to let that be child-led for the first years until the child seems to be interested in
more academics, which for many children left to their natural development can be
as late as 9 – 12 years old.
What a refreshing way to think of education! It’s not all about getting as much
information into each little head as possible, but rather it’s about connecting with
the wider world and contributing to it as well. It’s balanced.
13. Practice your spirituality together. Of course you will do that. I just throw
that in here incase I ever give this to anyone else, and also in case you had any
doubts that we were bereft of a spiritual dimension. Ours just doesn’t have a
church building.
14. As you see, I’m imagining little Rowan at an ever older age as I proceed
through these thoughts…
Make it a practice to share with her almost everything about your adult life. It’s
easy to know that you’d share the happy stories of your day, but I would submit
that it is equally important to share the harder stuff. Talk freely at the supper
table about the argument that you had with your friend, and how you felt, and
what you did to get through it and come out feeling better about each other. Or
didn’t. Talk about the man who has mental illness, and what is or isn’t scary
about him, and what it might feel like to be him. Talk about it all, but not in a
didactic manner – you’re just sharing your heart with your family, which happens
to include this small person. Like magic, her presence at such openings of the
heart will call forth in you something more pure and good than you knew you had.
In presenting these stories in a way appropriate for her tender ears, you will start
thinking with her pure heart and find answers that are more loving. She will learn
so much about the real world in this safe and protected way, and before you ever
expected it she will amaze you with her deep understanding of human beings,
their needs, and their strengths. By the time she is 10 she could be your best
counselor, because you have shared with her important information about the
way you MEAN to think and behave. She will hold you to it.
Occasionally, you might – by accident or not – have a spousal argument in front
of her. I am not necessarily recommending or dis-recommending that, but I can
tell you something from experience: her presence will cause you to behave
better, and may even call forth in you some wisdom that you would have shoved
aside for the sake of being right. It’s kind of like arguing in front of God: How
embarrassing!
15. Look to her as your very best, most respected teacher. Offer her that much
respect, and more. It’s easy (most of the time) to do when she’s an infant and
you’re obviously in the presence of a miracle. But practice doing it when she’s a
toddler, and a young girl, and a pre-teen…practice it when she doesn’t seem like
she could possibly be human, she’s so irrational-seeming. And when she’s taking
all of your time and energy. When parents go and gaze lovingly at their peaceful
sleeping child, they might use that moment to remember to practice studenthood
the next day. If you keep thinking that way and expecting the lessons, they
absolutely will come. Don’t miss them!
16. Kids love it when the year rolls around to the same place it was a year ago
and they get to do the same thing they did a year ago. Try to keep track of those
things that you do for holidays or your new family special days, because they
grow more and more special each year that you repeat them. How nice – instead
of wearing yourself out trying to keep on creating new things to do together, you
can do it best by mostly staying with or building on the old! On Memorial Day we
walk to a certain place and have a picnic and read each other poems, wearing
old hats that were my grandma’s. “This is living!” We say.
17. An admittedly radical thought given the world we live in, regarding the time
you spend gathered with other families:
When our kids were small, we would go over to people’s houses and eat, and
the kids would all play dress-up or hide-and-seek or something else they made
up, as the parents sat and chatted. Or we’d go to a meeting or rehearsal, and
the kids would all take care of each other and play together. Nowadays, I’m
very sad to report, wherever we go there’s some stupid adult who’s had the
unfortunate forethought to bring a movie, and by some horrible chance there’s
always a video player handy, and so at these community events the kids do
not play anymore. It is so, so sad. I’m not sure many people even remember
any more that the kids have a grand old time entertaining themselves, and that
incidentally they become better human beings for having interacted in that free-
style, creative manner. Ask anyone whose kids are my kids’ age and they will tell
you I am a nutcase on this matter. I accept the distinction. I realize it is hopeless
for much of this generation, but some generation of parents is going to have to
take their children’s playtime back, and I propose it be yours. See if you can get
a clean start in your circle of friends by beginning NOW with a ban on electronic
entertainment/babysitting when your families are together. Just remove it from
your group culture. Otherwise by the time they're 5 and are begging for movies
all the time, you will all be sorry. The voice of doom has spoken.
18. On Discipline.
Saying “yes” as often as possible doesn’t guarantee a perfectly behaved child.
Your best teacher will have to be disciplined sometimes, but if you do it right it
will not have to happen very often at all. Here are my thoughts:
-You know what’s right. She may or may not be old enough to understand what’s
right in a particular situation, but your intuition will tell you if she is old enough to
learn a different behavior, with or without the understanding. I think of discipline
as helping to show her what behaviors do and don’t work. Ok, right now she’s
not old enough to know to keep quiet at the concert – that’s obvious. But, for
example, at some point she is old enough to learn that if she hits or is mean,
she will be removed from the place where she was enjoying herself. I think that
should begin the first time she does it. Maybe she doesn’t truly understand why
to not be mean, but you owe it to her to show her that that doesn’t work. That’s
hard on her, and even harder on you (speaking for myself, I always HATED to
leave a party early!)
-Never discipline her in front of others. It’s disrespectful of her, and it also robs
you both of an opportunity to talk in an environment that could bring out honest
thoughts and resolutions.
-Believe in her ability to understand the right thing to do, but be really patient
while she figures it out. Hold her, love her, and believe in her. That way, even
if she doesn’t figure it out today, she knows that she is safe in your love no
matter what. Maybe you have to say how angry that thing she did made you
feel, because doggoned it you are – but it’s difficult, when you’re holding her in
your arms or in your gaze, to convey that anger in an intimidating or aggressive
way. You are human, and you are both helping each other. If you’re not on her
side, she is utterly alone. Always be on her side, but give her the gift of endless
opportunities for good behavior – behavior that works in the world.
19. Hold her.
Snuggle her.
Sing to her.
Read with her.
Ramble with her.
Believe her.
Build a new world with her.
You will do these things naturally because you love her. But here’s the
beautiful irony: that these acts so plain and simple are the very heart
and soul of your family, and are the most vital to observe. You’d think
something so important would be painful or distasteful! How fine that these
basic (and free!)practices are what mean the most to a child and a family.
We were made to love these children.
All of my love to you, Alicia, Rowan, and Jason. Welcome to the lucky land
of children.
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